I know I haven’t updated my blog for a while and this is because it’s been one hell of a month – and when I say hell I mean it! After finding out we were expecting twins we excitedly told the grandparents to be and starting thinking about what our life would be like with our instant family.
And then we were hit by some worrying news, my mother in law (MIL) who has been battling ovarian cancer for three years and was on her third round of chemo was so ill she was admitted to hospital. She was admitted just before a bank holiday weekend and so we were not able to see a consultant for 5 days. All the while she was telling me she was going to hang around until at December to see the twins – she wasn’t going to miss that for anything. Sadly though when we got round to speaking to the consultant we discovered that the cancer had spread and there was nothing more they could really do, apart from make her comfortable. They weren’t able to give us timeframes, but told us it wouldn’t be long.
While she was in hospital we had another scan – we showed that both twins were doing well, had grown a lot and both had good heartbeats (we were about 8 to 9 weeks along). We went straight from the scan to see my MIL who was so happy to know they were both doing well. We had a picture which we also let her look after. She had also requested some champagne – and even though she was technically nil by mouth we accommodated her request. So we celebrated our news as a family. Over the space of the next week, she became gradually weaker and died while sleeping on 4th June. I know a lot of people have MILs who drive them crazy, but I can truly say mine was wonderful and I was so lucky to have her in my life. I will miss her greatly and felt so sad that she would never get see our twins.
Following her funeral we have started to get back to normal. I had my first midwife appointment and got things arranged for next scan. She dated me a little further along than I was expected, so it wasn’t too long before the 12 week scan appointment arrived. Things had been going so well in my mind, I was constantly hungry, tired and my work trousers and jeans had become so tight, I’d already had to invest in some maternity wear.
So the day of our appointment arrived and it’s fair to say we were both nervous and desperately anxious to know everything was OK. I saw the first baby straight away, and it looked like it should at 12 weeks – I was re-assured. But then I saw the second baby, it didn’t look much bigger than it had 4 weeks before and I knew, then I heard the devastating words “I’m not seeing the heartbeat for the second twin” from the sonographer. Sadly it looks as though it’s heart had stopped about 3 weeks before, probably about the same time as my MIL passed away. Through our tears we tried to concentrate on watching our surviving twin on the scan as the sonographer showed us it’s stomach, spine, brain, legs and arms, everything perfectly normal.
After the scan we were taken to a private room and a doctor came in to see us. She explained that they wouldn’t do anything about the twin which hadn’t survived, it would either be absorbed by me or it may be delivered when I give birth. She explained that the surviving twin looked fine and exactly as they would want to see at this stage and this pregnancy should continue as normal. She had read our notes and understood that we had been through IUI, so when I had a question about continuing to take progesterone she went and got our fertility consultant for us. Who, as soon as she came into the room gave us both a big hug. It was good to talk things through with her – although it all feels a bit of a blur now. I had all my bloods taken, then we were given our bounty pack and told we could book our 20 week scan and leave.
So here I am two days later, thinking this world can’t possibly throw anything more at us and surely we’ve had our run of shit luck! I feel stupid for thinking everything was OK and having to buy maternity clothes already (although I’m still genuinely uncomfortable in my normal clothes!) I feel so desperately sad for the baby we’ve lost, but know that my MIL will be looking after him / her somewhere. I have lost a pregnancy and have to force myself to remember I am still pregnant, but I am also now so worried about the surviving baby. I feel guilty that it was something I did which caused this, even though people keep telling me it’s just nature’s way, and I don’t feel I can be happy and excited that we are still having a baby. Today I’ve phoned the midwife and booked an appointment for next week as I just need talk things through with someone as after the scan things were such a blur.
I know that I am still so incredibly lucky to be in the situation I am in and I am so grateful that IUI worked for us, but that doesn’t take away how sad and disappointed I feel at the moment. And surely July can’t be any worse than June – here’s to next month and our gorgeous little bub growing stronger!!